Take my advice, do not waste your time to read this!

 

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Adulting is hard and never stop until you die.

Another part of the story of mine. Nowadays, I find something is not matter again like the old days. The reason is I find how my past-scars affect my way of thinking about that.

When I was college in my bachelor degree, I like to get new friends and develop closer friendship to whom I felt comfortable. My world was changed step by step, how lonely I was in my school-life, then everything around me became so crowded. I cherished my friends over me. I did not aware that it was my way to medicate my loneliness for a long time. Before, I got counseling or therapy (?) with a class-mate in profession class, I was clueless about myself. My reflection skill was actually not that outstanding, even less than standard that it should for psychologist-to-be. But, I try to work for it, especially for myself. Until now, it seems much better, but I still got carried away; my anger or my loneliness.

In this new college life, I try to not emphasize of my friendship. I still feel hurt when I had been ignored or treated like nobody. But, I know that other person have their priorities. I promised to not blame myself. Now, I more into new friends and doing small-talk in such important cause than informal or friendly cause. I seeks out my old friend and maintain my relationship with them.

Last, I want to tell my coping that was (and still maybe) maladaptive. I was an imaginative child, yet until now. When I was a kid, I transform my imaginative drive to dolls. I like dolls (animal dolls not human-like), played it in some settings and made role-plays. It was fun! I still like imagining things, made new characters and new worlds different than mine. I develop my favorite hobby; daydreaming. My made-characters and worlds are my friends since kindergarten until now. When I was in middle and high school, I often talked to air. Talked to no one. Also, I tend to walk and run circled. I motioned my hand sometimes and did some acts that only appeared in my mind. I was doing MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING. It could take hours. The saddest thing is that I still do that until now but in more “calm” manner and less time.

That is why I have less reflection skill than the standard. I am easily detached from myself.

I still work for it, more in to here and now when I am in the situations that I need to be there. When I am alone, my mind still wandering to many worlds of mine, but I can focus to my feelings and realities easily. It is either a skill; to detached, imagine, and focus at the same time; or a sign of unhealthy self. Or… I maybe just overthink it. 

I am in the “feeling” field right now than the “intellectual” field. Learning and working in psychology (especially to-be-psychologist) is more in to feeling than thinking. In other side, I like to think, make ideas, and feel in/at those ideas. For instance, I sometimes confused that I am actually empathized people or just imagined it. That is why I could be so cold-hearted and heart-warming at the same time.

If you want to know how many imaginative characters and worlds that I made, it is countless. I do not know the exact number, but I know precisely that it could be one hundred characters. Also, the world is differ in many ways. It could be the normal world like our reality or the fantasy ones. I also fans of my imaginative characters, so that, I am not fans of influenced people in real world. I realize that my daydreaming is displacement to what I not have in reality. It is more reasonable that why I and other people like to daydream and make new world in their mind. 

Our mind indeed is a core of everything. It could be a gun, a compass, a knive, a hammer, and a clock.

In conclusion, I try to balance out my wandering time and here-and-now time. It is fun to live consciously, but it is okay to rest from it and wander in more imaginative world. The important notes is how I can do it in appropriate time and not disturb my way to fulfil my true and ideal self. Also, I have friends now, real friends, even it is not the number I want at past, I want the quality.

Thank you my past-self, I promise will enrich you until the end of adulting.

Here, some of my characters that I made (I also write or draw):

- Adventure boarding schools that have 20 kids in each. They have adventures and I like to make their adventures story.

- A writer that release many books and become popular.

- Many fiction story (but I never in the plot) told about romance, fantasy, or/and science-fiction. I sometimes elaborate it with the "writer" as her books.

- I rarely to imagine myself. But, I always dreamt myself and sometimes lucid dreaming (?)

If I have a chance in future, I want to make a book from those my imaginative characters. Not lied, wathcing and reading are influenced my daydreaming so much. If you like read and watch anything, you tend to imagine many things too.